Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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