Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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