I just saw a hot homeless man
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
