How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
