Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
