i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
