Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
