yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize