Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My ass is underappreciated
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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