Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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