He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
