just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
