and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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