Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
did i just pee glitter
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
