They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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