My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
