True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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