I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
