I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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