The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
