i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
