I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
