dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
