exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
