First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
