How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
