I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
