I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
