This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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