Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I had to cum in my sink.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
