Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
