he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
