jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
