Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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