Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize