Having a random hookup so left but love u
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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