She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize