you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We are two peas in an std pod
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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