matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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