i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
