I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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