I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
