Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
