you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
