i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
