I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
