Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize