Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
