The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
