i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
