someone threw a dead crab at me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
