She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
