Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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