i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
