also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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